We've all got our irrational fears right? Some are afraid of spiders, snakes, heights (me), enclosed spaces, etc. I'm also pretty agoraphobic (did I spell that right?). Hate crowded places with a passion - even had a couple of anxiety attacks in really crowded places that I felt were too much for me.
Well guys, I have to face the big one in a couple of days. The big daddy fear. The one that overshadows them all.......PUBLIC SPEAKING!!!!!
Yes indeed, Wednesday night I have to get up in front of people and talk - for about 45 minutes. I've never talked that long in front of people in my whole freakin life. The few times I've had to speak in front of a group in the last few years, I've basically typed out every word I was going to say and read it off of the pages. My speeches have lasted 5 minutes, 10 at the most. I can't get away with that this time you guys.
This is me - just me, standing up there talking. I can't say what it's for but let's just say it's a very personal talk I'll be giving about myself, about my story and who I am, so I can't really cheat - know what I mean?
This talk will be about my life, where I came from, things I've been through and how I came to be the person I am now. Part of this talk will take me back through some dark times that I haven't had to re-visit in a very very long time - I really do NOT want to go back to that place, but it is part of my story and a part of who I am so I do have to go there in order to do this properly.
Just to give you a small preview of what I'm facing here, part of my story goes back to my first husband, who got very deep into the drug underworld and was heavily addicted to crack cocaine. He was hanging around with drug dealers, which meant I was around drug dealers by default. I didn't get sucked into that lifestyle, thank god, but it's a part of my life that was very scary and that I have suppressed for a very long time. That's the kind of stuff that's going to come out in my talk on Wednesday night. Scary dark shit, right? This is crap I haven't thought about in years and I'm digging it out of my brain and chest to lay it out for all the world to see....that, on top of my blinding fear of public speaking has me FREAKING THE FUCK OUT!!!!
This talk will come from my heart, you know that withery black thing in my chest (hehe, just kidding). I've never done anything like this before and to tell you the truth, it scared the bejeesus out of me! (yes, I just used the word "bejeesus" - get over it!). I've told individual friends about things I've been through, but never in a forum like this.
On the positive side, this will be in front of a group of loving people who have been through similar situations as mine - a group of non-judgemental people who will still love me even if I flub up the whole thing. Many of them don't know my specific story, but it doesn't matter. I know in my heart that the people in that room are good people, I trust them implicitly and know that doing this is important. If my story can help one person in that room with a struggle they are having, then it is all worth it - no matter what.
Anyway, send positive and calming thoughts my way.......I REALLY REALLY need them right now!
Guys, my talk went GREAT! Once I got up there, the nerves just went away and I was just myself. I had my notes and just started talking. Before I knew it, my time was gone! I feel absolutely wonderful now that it's over. Hope I'll have an opportunity to do it again soon!!!!!